For most people, death is not an enjoyable topic of conversation, let alone something to
surround one’s self with. For author, teacher, and speaker Frank Ostaseski, this is the exact
opposite. Ostaseski is a follower of Buddhist teachings and the founder of the Zen Hospice
Project organization, dedicated to intimate end-of-life care and guiding families and individuals
through the process of death; a process that is so often outsourced and shrouded from public
view in modern society. Through his experiences dealing with death so closely, Ostaseski has
picked up many invaluable lessons about life. Ostaseski’s primary takeaways from his
experiences could be crystalized into 5 suggestions which he calls The Five Invitations. These
invitations are as follows: never wait for the next moment, never push things away and always
invite novel experiences whether we enjoy them or not, bring our full self to any experience, find
time to rest between things, and lastly, cultivate a “don’t-know” attitude, which is a mind that is
“characterized by curiosity, by wonder, by awe, by surprise” (What the Dying Teach the Living).
Most of us will never be able to relate to the exact experiences of Ostaseski, but we can still learn
a lot from the invitations he has formulated through his unique life. I believe, when you
intimately examine the nature of death as Ostaseski has, you begin acknowledge the immense
danger of growing complacent and forgetful of how temporary and fragile our opportunities and
faculties are. To illustrate this truth, I will explore some examples of intimate stories and
documentations which can help us learn from the dead as Ostaseski did.
I would like to first take a look at the video titled, Silverlake Life: The View From Here, a
short film taken in 1993, posted to YouTube by a user in 2014. The film follows the life of two
film students and lovers Mark Massi and Tom Joslin who fall victim to AIDS. The film is
formatted as a day to day video log, with Tom, the main subject of the film, being recorder by
Mark or recording himself through his journey with AIDS, right from the day of his diagnoses
until the very tragic end. The Silverlake Life intimately acquaints us with death in a manner that
may even be similar to what Ostaseski dealt with in his life. The film gives us a close look at
what life is like for someone who is forced to live through the effects of a destructive and
degenerative disease knowing full well how the story will end. A film such as this allows us to
realize the temporariness and fragility of our opportunities and faculties because we witness a
young man, who would otherwise have a full and healthy life ahead of him, have it all taken
away due to an unexpected turn of events in his life. Even early on in the documentation of his
illness, Tom says, “It’s so tough; the simplest 5 minute task, you have to come to the car and lie
down and put the seat back and rest and catch a breath. What a way to live, hah, what a way to
die” (Silverlake Life: The View From Here, 6:16). Towards the end of Tom’s life, as the film has
shown us how the disease has eaten away at Tom’s mind and body, he says, “I’m not much of a
participant in life anymore. I’m a distant viewer; just watching it all pass by, knowing that I’m
not going to have much longer to keep my eye on the prize” (Silverlake Life: The View From
Here, 54:57). As we hear Tom say these things and watch the man he was slowly wither away
before our very eyes, we can begin to relate our own lives to his, and start to appreciate our
health and abilities to do even the smallest things which we would otherwise pay no mind. The
film provides us with the harsh reminded that someone young, perhaps such as ourselves, could
crumble away so suddenly in life, a reality which can make us much warier of wasting our
healthy years. The Silvelake Life emphasizes the danger of complacency in life by showing us
that we need not be suffering of old age to have our physical faculties and our ability to pursue
life’s opportunities taken away from us, and that we should not get too comfortable in the
illusion of youth and health.
Another example I would like to take a look at is the case of author, director, and
television host Diane Rehm and her work titled, When my Time Comes. Diane Rehm explores the
issue of legalizing assisted suicide for those suffering from severe old age and the pain and
illness that is often associated with it. As opposed to the case of Tom from the Silverlake Life
film, whose death was a result of an unpredictable diagnosis at a young age, Rehm’s work
instead focuses on the painful existence of those who are forced to suffer through the end of a
long life. Rehm’s work and her personal stories about her relationship with death give us further
insight into the way death can teach us to live correctly. One of Rehm’s most powerful stories
about death comes from having to watch her own husband slowly die, similar to Mark and Tom.
Rehm recounts how her husband John suffered with Parkinson’s disease in his late life, and
eventually found it so depressing, painful, and unfulfilling to live in his condition, that he took
his own life. Rehm says “[John] died of Parkinson’s, in fact; he died starving himself and
drinking no liquid for 10 days. I watched him do that for 10 days. He felt he had lost all dignity;
he could no longer feed himself, or bathe himself, or toilet himself, and said to me one day, ‘I am
ready to die’” (When My Time Comes, 18:18). Rehm’s story again shows us the way illness,
often a natural part of aging, can greatly diminish our faculties and steal the joy away from our
lives. By intimately acquainting ourselves with another story of death and suffering, and relating
it to ourselves through the acceptance that age and death are absolutes in life, we can again see
how important it is to make the most of our health and abilities while we still can; the pain and
embarrassment of becoming incapable of things which were at once so trivial, is enough to drive
some to suicide.
What we ultimately see from these two examples is that there are a countless number of
ways in which our bodily faculties which take so for granted can be stripped away at a moment’s
notice. Whether it be early in lives or at the very end, whether it is predictable or not, we will all
at some point or another be incapable of doing what we once were and lose the ability to take
advantage of the opportunities we once had. Since we can never know when this may come, it is
vital that we leave nothing on the table in life and experience all we can while we are still
physically and mentally able.
While these few examples pale in comparison to the life of experience Ostaseski has had
with death, we can start to imagine how intimate encounters with death, such as these, led
Ostaseski to create his set of suggestions for life. Death taught Ostaseski to approach life with
principles which stress the importance of taking every opportunity life has to offer and not
waiting until the next day, because we never know what the next day may throw at us and when
we may no longer be able to live the life we always wanted. The deaths of Tom and Diane’s
husband John show us the awful reality of losing who you once were and show us exactly why
we need to do the things we want while we still can. By following Ostaseski’s invitations to life
by living in the present, accepting all experiences with one’s full self, and staying curious, we
give ourselves best chance of avoiding a life that ends in regret, no matter when that end
comes.